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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Really Naughty Red-tailed Hawk's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, May 8th, 2004
6:40 am
I think I'm ready
Today is the day. I am running my first 5k race today. In about 1 hour. I am nervous. I get to wear a number on my freshly red tye-dyed shirt. I am running it with friends form work. I have probably drank too much coffee and my tummy is really full. It's small but significant.

Current Mood: anxious
Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
7:52 am
It's Cinco De Mayo
Today is Wednesday May 5th.
Yesterday on Tuesday May 4th my neighbor found my Bennie dead in the yard. He got hit by a car and was crawling toward the bathroom window I leave open at night so he can come and go as he pleases. I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time. Anthony called me at work at I freaked out and got to go home. When I got home I got up the nerve to look at him and starting petting him and then I cried even harder, if that was possible. We buried him next to the house so he can still see part of the water. He has a little marker that his collar is hanging off of and we gave him some pretty flowers. I still feel like crying though.

So I was sad and I got drunk hence why I am not going to be celebrating Wednesday May 5th. The Mexican holiday where Americans can get drunk without feeling guilty on a work day.

You know I sick of waking up feeling like this, like someone dumped a hundred flaming hot cigarette cherries down my throat. I am running a little 5k race on Saturday and you'd think with all the running I do and how badly my lungs feel like they are going to burst that I would quit smoking. So you know what my fucking lungs hurt today and I'm not even doing anything but sitting here. I think it's time. I really want to do it.


My cat is dead, I'm hung over, I'm going to work, and I am quitting smoking because I can feel the cancer in my lungs that is making my life like one big, giant, stinky ashtray.

Current Mood: contemplative
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
12:11 pm
Missing...
It's funny how you don't miss someone until they're gone. Why does that always happen. I got my first taste of life without having Anthony around, he's been gone for 5 days, that's the longest we have ever been apart. It forces you to be more self reliant in the entertainment department. At least in Portland there's a city to explore. Like they say absence makes the heart grow fonder so maybe this will be good for us. We both agreed we moved in together too soon. We both want to live alone for awhile, but man it's pretty hard.

On a lighter note,
I've decided that I want to have an all day raging bbq for my "going away" party. I want everyone I know to go because I probably won't be seeing anyone for awhile. It would make me happy.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, April 19th, 2004
12:18 pm
Wow.
I haven't seen this many posts in a long time. I just got back from San Francisco. We decided to come back early...we ran out of money, Anthony got the flu the fisrt day we were there, and then on day two his back went out. So as you can see the worst of the worst happened. Not being able to walk in a town full of hills is kind of ironic. Too much driving and too little money. Roadtrips with lots of driving always goes in phases. Rummy, hot, tired, goofy, agitated, eat, sore, pee break...repeat. So I'm back and I can't even get the pictures developed because I am sucked dry. So I am using the rest of my "vacation" cleaning, sleeping, and walking in circles enjoying some silence. Anthony left to go to Yakima for the rest of his vacation.

2 months until Portland, it's coming up really quick.

Current Mood: anxious
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
7:12 pm
Oh my
So last weekend I toured my new school and I am so excited. It is so beautiful. Portland is so friggin awesome and I can't wait to get there. I found the area where I am going to be living, it's right by Portland State University and the Art museum and a huge long park. It's like 4 blocks from downtown and pretty cheap considering all the college kids. I'm going to sign the Jetta over to my mom and abandon my driving. There's busses and trains and the busses run like every ten minutes until about 1:30 in the morning. There is a kick ass club called Ohm that has good d.j.'s every night and it's a totally laid back atmosphere. I saw Doc Martin while I was down there...so-so. But it was all hardwood and there were fountains and an outdoor court yard with more d.j.'s!! I've lived in B-ham for too long, I just about shit my pants while I was dancing I was so happy. Damn I miss the city. There's book stores and thrift stores on about every damn corner. There's even a place called Salad World for christ sakes! I am in absolute bliss. I will be by myself though and I don't think that has hit me yet. Anthony will be in Seattle and I will be there, but we will make it work. Just me and my kitty. I am so ready for some solitude. My own space, my own mess...

Current Mood: excited
Thursday, December 18th, 2003
7:05 pm
what the hell is there to do after you get off work and your by yourself?
Friday, December 5th, 2003
4:09 pm
So it's final...
I haven't written in a long time. So here is the low down. I was "accepted" to the Western Culinary institute in Portland. My lease is up in B-ham on July 1st so I will be moving down there a little bit before that. I'm going all by my lonesome so it's a little bit scary but also exciting. Anthony is moving to L.A. or Seattle with his band for a couple of months just to see what could happen if they put all their energy into it. Then he's going to come to Portland to be with me. So I'll be living by myself for awhile which is something I've never done before so it should be fun. I'm getting a studio right downtown in the city and bringing my kitty. Candice may come to stay with me for about a month when she's done with school.

So sometime before I leave I would like to throw a going away party and try to get everyone to come. Because Portland is even further then B-ham and that means I probably won't be seeing people very much.

So yeah, that is what I have been doing along with being "promoted" to being a baker at Great Harvest which is the best job I have ever had in my life. I'm sad to go I really like it there.

I also got my Christmas tree yesterday, decorated my passed out drunk roommate in lace and petticoats with Kendal while Anthony painted his face then we took lots of pictures, and I neutered my new kitty, Sukimon, and then he was allergic to the local anesthetic and his paw swelled up to three times the normal size and he had a fever and I almost cried:(
Sunday, November 16th, 2003
7:47 pm
oh yeah..
I am going to see Donald Glaude tonite! He is actually in B-ham. And it's only eight bucks. Do you know the last time I got to see a d.j.? A really long fuckin time, so I am very excited. It only happens like once a year. Dancin, dancin...she's a dancin machine.
Friday, November 14th, 2003
7:31 pm
I'm back
Yes, so I just got the internet hooked up once again. Back to being the live journal nerd I once was.....oh the sheer bliss......
Monday, September 8th, 2003
3:17 pm
Kind of...
It's kind of weird when you have no clue.

It's kind of sad when people grow and change and are only reminiscent of the person they once were.

It's kind of lonely when you don't talk about what you feel.

It's the kind of guilt I feel when I accept a gift from my family.

It's the kind of guilt I feel when I don't.

It's the vicious cycle inside my head that plays over and over and makes me feel like I failed.

It's how I can't stop wondering what other people think of me.

It's like how when you look in the mirror and don't see what you really look like only what you think you do.

It's kind of like how you want to stop but can't.

It's what it feels like when there's no where to go.

It's like how it feels when you accomplish something.

It just feels like when you know where you should be going something...always something stops you.

Doubt, guilt, joy, anger, passive, aggressive, easily manipulated, happy, sad, clueless, stubborn....confused.
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
7:31 pm
Hi
I'm at Candice's and I'm using the computer. Hooray! I move out soon and Anthony and I might have got a cool apartment downtown with a wrap-around balcony. Over looking Holly St. and all the bums and street rats. Perfect stumbling distance from the Ranch room. Oh no....

Cousin's getting married and my mom is having a huge BBQ this Sunday. She is a tad overwhelmed so A and I are working the BBQ. Bringing home the good stuff from my work too.

Carolyn I miss you!!! I don't have a calling card so try to call Anthony and I around 10:00 on most nights.

We're almost out of that hell hole! God save the Queen.

Current Mood: bouncy
Monday, May 19th, 2003
2:25 pm
Signing off....
Well this will be my last entry for awhile. I have just disconnected my internet. Oh what shall I ever do without the comfort of the livejournal? I check it way to much...now what am I going to do in the mornings? Hmmm...maybe homework. Anyways I shall return in a month or so.

Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, May 18th, 2003
2:10 pm
Bon Voyage
I would just like everyone to know that we will be having a going away BBQ for Carolyn next weekend. It is on Friday the 24, it starts at about 4:30 or 5:00. Bring your own meat and beer to grill and if you want to bring anything else like chips, pasta salads...please feel free. We're working on a budget here. I would love it if everyone would come! Respond to my post if you need directions!




p.s. Today is my last day at Red Robin....hell yeeeeeeahhhhh
Friday, May 16th, 2003
11:31 am
Can I make an appointment?
So my favorite Hairdresser is not at school today. I called to make an appointment but I found she was not there. So I was wondering if the hairdresser will work from her home today? Do you do house calls?
Thursday, May 15th, 2003
9:05 pm
Yo'
Who likes the meat mitten...I do. Some day we will all wear mittens made of meat and have rainbow colored fiberglass raincoats.

Limestone colored azaleas with Bennie's every where walking around like little innocent men on their hind legs. Only speaking Pishaaaaa........
Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
8:07 am
Today is just another day
My job at Great Harvest Bread Co. is really awesome. Not just because it's a cool laid back bakery and I get to wear whatever I want but because the people seem like they could actually become my friends. I get two free loaves of good fresh bread a week. New kinds are baked every day. I realized that i actually miss talking to customers. *I just spilled coffee on my crotch* Every time someone comes in they get a huge, thick free slice of bread. It's really hard not to eat bread all day long but I'm trying to refrain. The hours are great also. We're open from 7 am. to 6 pm. Tuesday thru Saturday. I've never had a job where I always get two days off...guaranteed. So I work from 11:30-12:00 until about 7:00. It's great. But I still work at Red Robin until around the 21st so I've been juggling both places and school. Ahhh, but the end is near.

On a side note...you know how the "second sleep" the one where you get up and then go back to sleep a little later is really really good? Well a really horrible dream ruined mine. I knew I should have stayed up. I don't like dreams with icky physical violence.
Monday, May 12th, 2003
8:00 am
nevermind....
Thursday, May 1st, 2003
8:54 am
Damaged by the man
Why is it that life is planned out from the moment we are born. Who makes me afraid to just up and move? Why is it that I feel it is not acceptable to just pack my bags and start my own adventure, my own life. We all need connection and routine to feel secure? I don't want to feel secure anymore. I don't feel secure.

My coffee spilled all down my sweatshirt and the cup tastes like soap. There's stains on the rented house floor and the landlord is the devil.

Why am I spending the good years of this life worrying about the last years of this life? Why is a job working in a coffee place moving from place to place with someone I love not....available...feasible...tangible? If I started would I love it, the aimless rambling? Could I do it? Am I strong enough, smart enough, resourceful enough? Or has it been handed on a platter to me for too long? Is it too late? Can I break away from the desire to provide for me because they can? Can I become my own person? I want to be stronger, more patient, more optimistic, gentler, kinder, more loving, able to put my own needs aside....for once.

Work is...work is what? Is it a career, a lifetime, or something you do in order to really do what you want to do...live?

Making a meal to see their face looking out the window of your crappy 2nd floor apartment situated in the whole corner of the southern part of New Orleans. The cat is too hairy and scratches your legs every time you walk by. You both are going to wake up tomorrow to go to your mediocre job to save money for the next place...will that feel okay? Or will I crave the security that I left? Can I find the ability to let go and actually enjoy the simple things that are all around me. I think that living, has firmly wedged a stick up my regimented ass. Sometime I want to say fuck security and just...what get a VW van and travel. I know I'm not a hippie..do I sound like it? Wow, fuck the man, just be free and all that rot.


The cup tastes like soap and it's making me nauseous.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
9:37 am
Plantains...
I don't know whats going on with me but I am slowly losing my motivation. I'm starting to get kind of lazy. I have one Biology class and I skipped it today because 7:30 was just to early to get up. I'm working part time even though I asked for full. There just aren't enough hours they can give us. Maybe I need to pick up something on the side. I want to start taking yoga or something but every time I try to go to one of the classes at the gym...well I just don't. I think I like to work out my own way. If anyone has any ideas about hobbies please let me know! I like to be crafty but....

Also (just to complain for a minute) I really friggin sick of being sick. It's been almost 2 weeks. First bronchitis then a really nasty achey(?) flu. I hate being tired and sweaty and hot, then cold. I just want to get back to my old self again. But I don't think my old self exists anymore. Anthony and I have a theory. We feel that anyone who stays any longer than two years in Bellingham starts to mutate into something they never thought they would become. I am becoming a fashion sense-less lazy bitch who can't even pick up her own dirty undies off of the bathroom floor because there is really no point because another pair will end up there tomorrow. I think I have lost all faith in people as a whole, because everyone who lives here really just doesn't like it...and it shows. Don't get me wrong two months out of the year this place is beautiful. I think Anthony and I hiked and biked about 700 miles last summer and we plan to do it again but this time we will remember to bring the camera since this will be the last summer we're here. I think Bellingham maintains it's hippy appeal by sucking out the souls of all who live here and then sends them on their way empty and lifeless. Okay exaggerating a little but doesn't that make you feel better sometimes?

On another note, Anthony and I have decided that before we move anywhere else we are going to take about a month and a half to go travel/backpack around the U.S. via Greyhound and others. There's about 10-12 places we want to go so far. I am very excited to go to the deep south. Like Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee, etc. I want to see Nashville, Graceland, New Orleans, maybe Austin, somewhere in Georgia would be neat. We also thought N.Y., Boston, Chicago, maybe Montreal. On the way I'm going to stop in Portland and Pasadena/L.A. to check out those two culinary arts schools. See which one is the better of the two.

Anyways this post is long and whiny and I'm sorry. But maybe thats fun to read and then say "Man, what does she really have to whine about" and then you can feel better. Plus this might just be the first post that I don't feel really embarrassed about posting. I went back and read all my last posts and they are really lame.

Current Mood: cynical
Thursday, April 10th, 2003
10:03 am
Adjustments
So I started my new job as a line cook at Red Robin. It's fun but also really stressful. On a Friday or Saturday night there's at least 8 people running the line and the weekend rushes last for about 3-4 hours straight. It's like a greasy frenzy. Fortunantly I am not one of the people who have to work on hot side (flip burgers). I get the more diverse job of working on cold side which is everything but burgers; salads, wraps, everything deep fried, desserts, basically everything. I would say it's a little harder. I have realized that drunks really like Happy Hour nachos and cheese sticks, oh yeah and onion rings...always the greasy ass onion rings.

Anyways it's always hard to adjust to new jobs but I think being a new cook is the hardest. Especially if your not too outgoing, like me. Because in the kitchen there is a seperate lingo. And that lingo is yelled. Everyone yells everything. "Behind", "Hot Across", "Can I Get Plates In Window", "Bird To Sell Runnin 10", "3 Birds All Day" "Hot Soup Comin Down, Comin Across, Hot Corner" some of the stuff doesn't even make sense...sometimes I think they make it up just to yell. And for those that know me I'm not that loud of a person. So then I yell something my voice cracks like a young pubesent boy and no one hears me and then the order gets fucked up. But I'm working on it.

So that has basically consumed alot of my time. I work quite a bit and go to school. By the time I get off work it's like 10:30 or 11:00 and then I get to go to bed. Yeah...But you know I'm having fun. I'm learning alot and that's good. Another girl at my work is going to the Western Culinary Institute in Portland also. So she's going to e-mail me about it when she gets there and give me some insider info about it. Hopefully I'll be joining her in a little while.

Oh yeah and whats the deal with weddings in April and June. Ok everyone do a wedding count...

Yakima = 1
Montana = 1
Kirkland = 1
Edmonds = 1
Thats 4 weddings 2 are in June 1 weekend after the other.

Current Mood: amused
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